Ever since I knew that if you threw a flaming paper towel in a trash can it would burn, I've dreamed about this. I knew things would be better. I would get the attention I wanted. I would be smarter, wiser, better looking, and everyone would respect me for it. I would rule the world. My world.
And now I'm here. I'm finally here.
Nothing. Fucking nothing.
Oh, yes, I see it. I can have it all. I can afford the time and money to live it up and not give a damn about what sort of bed of rusty, red-hot, smoldering nails Satan has laid out for me. And I would still come home for Christmas and New Years and brag about what a good girl I was. But why don't I? Why don't I take what I've been offered by the open, cunning hand of the world?
Because it's not my world anymore. It belongs to the people I was told would never make it in life. And look at them now--the rulers, the kings and queens, of what is now Mediocreatia.
When I was younger I envisioned a world that had some room for actual genuineness, intelligence, talent, and individuality. Now I realize what I've been preparing for all my life--a society that's been overthrown, now outdated and almost nonexistent. So now what the fuck do I do?
I've been wandering these streets as if I'm in a foreign land. Everything's strange and illogical to me. I don't know anyone here. And they don't know me. Genuineness, intelligence, talent, individuality... where are they? Where the fuck did they go? Can someone help me?
The person I've become makes me look like a cold, antisocial, boring, listless, pathetic being compared to the rest of the people my age. I can feel their scorn. Despite how my stamped identity defines me, I'm trying my best to deny every word of it. But it's difficult, fucking difficult, to overcome general assumptions. At least now.
But there's nobody else I know how to be. I'm too damn logical. I'm too damn sensible. And what I would fucking kill to know what it's like to just go with the flow and not worry about looking like a shallow, impulsive, materialistic human being.
So what now, huh? What do I do? Apparently I got stuck with someone who will be with me forever, and I can't argue with her or else I would be talking to myself. Oh, wait. I am talking to myself.
So now it's just me, alone, looking for that species that no longer exists and wondering if I'll just be a hermit individual who comes across an interesting person every once in a while, and then searches for someone more emotionally satisfying.
That's what my semi-independent life turned out to be like. Productive? Socially eye-opening? HA! After spending three full years surrounded by people who never expected to run into some freak like me, I'm ready to return home, where I first learned how to be myself.
So now I'm at that age. And what do I want to do? Pack up everything, leave the outside world, come home, and be a kid again.
Can't fucking believe it? Neither can I.
