F**k femininity.

Sometimes I think being a writer would be a lot easier if I were a guy.

Just saying.

Not that I believe having balls makes a difference whether you have better writing skills or not.  But since most of the so-called great writers are men, maybe it does.

I once underwent a full agonizing semester studying feminist literature in a class that was called "Literature of the 18th Century."  Once I knew what the fuck I really signed up for, I starting pulling at my hair at the occipital, because that's what I do when I'm bored as hell and antagonized by the subject material.  All the young ladies around me starting shooting out about how unfair that guy was to the poor girl and how hot that other guy is and how that girl should marry him and make all her dreams come true.  Oh, my good hairy God.

Growing up, I couldn't watch a full episode of Lizzie McGuire without wanting to throw up my popcorn onto the TV.  So as you can probably guess, I was never the full-on girl you would envision with the giggles, rosy cheeks, and bulging water ballon breasts.

That's why I've chosen to write about a subject material that is probably quite unlike the interests of many other aspiring women writers, since it's not about vampires, werewolves, romance, and hot guys and shit.  And being that that subject material is mainly written by questionably sane and socially comatose men, I've hit a four-foot-tall stumbling block.

Oh, I have ideas, all right.  They're just a trifle unfocused at the moment, thanks to some of my inescapable inbred female qualities.  Because of that, every now and then when I start tapping away, I find myself spewing all this overemotional shit that really has no place anywhere on the screen.  So all that crap about love and romance and feelings shows up where I never intended it to be.

And also, being a woman, sometimes I just like hearing myself say clever shit just because I like hearing myself talk.  And why is that?  Because I'm so goddamn self-absorbed, that's why.  Every attractive woman (or woman who thinks she's attractive) is like that--come on, admit it.  Then I become so full of myself that I consider making myself a character.  You know, like the tough-talking, no-nonsense writer that guys check out from time to time?

Then I have to think, do I really think I'm that fucking interesting?  And I already know by now that most people out there don't give a shit anyway.

Being that one of my favorite films is Pulp Fiction, I often question if a woman could ever write something as edgy and provocative as that.  The answer is probably not.  We're too goddamn sensible.  But, goddamnit, I'm trying, with little success. 

I realize now that the only solution is write as close to how a guy writes as I can.  Not I know how to do that since I don't have those hidden urges or feelings of male superiority, because, you know, I don't have balls.  So there's my problem.

But still, I'm fucking trying.

With some thinking and practice, I realize now that your writing doesn't have to sound like it was written by a raging pervert to sound masculine.  That puts me in a state of ease and relief.

Yes, yes, I'm getting there.  I've changed most of my female characters to male, and I'm seeing the difference already.

So now here we are.  No more overly detailed, soap-opera-ish subplots.  Just characters going through their lives and reacting to what they see.  Direct dialogue.  Very profane.  Romantic moments are quick and not overblown.  Everything happens for basic reasons.  No bullshit.  Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

I just need to keep fucking trying.